Would I tell my younger self to walk away from love
If I knew that pain was coming?
My husband and I visited the university where we studied together last week.
How courageous yet foolish we were to pursue an 11-year long distance relationship at the close of our university years together, and for me to uproot myself from my home country for love.
Would the younger me have said yes, knowing:
Moving to a new country would be so hard? Though I speak the language, I am still learning the ropes of how things are socially.
Finding a job will have its challenges, given I am not locally trained.
I will miss the community I had built in my home country my family and my pet dogs?
Learning to live with my in-laws would be a challenge, given that I already don’t fall into the category of the conventional, ideal daughter-in-law.
My first pregnancy will end in a miscarriage.
At some level, I already knew, theoretically, that some, if not, all of the above will come to pass.
Living the above in the short span of the year that we’ve been married is another thing altogether. I had shed tears many a time.
However, can all these difficulties be pinned on my husband?
Miscarriages happen. In-law relationships are infamously tenuous. I engage in social faux pas even in my home country, just on a smaller scale. Jobs, layoffs, can happen in an instant (my previous job had its fair of challenges). My favourite colleagues and I will all retire one day. Life wasn’t easy prior to marriage either, as I was a secondary caregiver to my dad.
Since our marriage, I found my appreciation and love for my husband growing. Given my acceptance of life being difficult whether I’m single or married, I find that various pain points had lessened in intensity because he is here to offer a listening ear, advice and hugs.
There is some basis for physical pain reduction in the presence of loved ones. Researchers from CU Boulder and the University of Haifa found that holding a loved one’s hand reduces pain. They actually applied mild heat pain to women’s arms. When the partner expressed empathy without holding hands, pain was not lessened. But when they held hands, and the male partner expressed empathy, pain was significantly diminished. Their brain activity synchronised with hand-holding and the authors theorised that this kills the pain-activation sensors in the brain.
I will not be surprised if scientists find that this holds true for emotional pain one day (once they figure out how to quantify and objectively measure emotional pain; can a miscarriage hurt more than a long-lasting tenuous in-law relationship? Etc.?)
All I can confidently say, while walking around on the beautiful university grounds that:
I am glad I was too foolish to understand the painful experiences that come with marriage and moving.
Life will always be some level of hard, and I am glad to have someone to share the journey.
If I could go back in time, I will tell my younger self to go ahead. Don’t let the fear of pain hold you back.
The pain of regret, of not pursuing, will haunt me longer, and I will not have someone to hold my hand then.
