The "meaninglessness" of an anniversary
Which anniversaries do you celebrate and why?
One week ago, both my husband and I forgot our wedding anniversary.
It was only when a friend texted, “Happy Wedding Anniversary!” that I remembered it was a day of any significance.
Later, I asked my husband if he remembered what day it was.
He forgot too.
🤣
One would think, after an 11-year LDR, we will enthusiastically celebrate our wedding anniversary, a day where we “made it”.
Instead, for the rest of the day, we let the hours pass as though it’s any other day. No candles, no special dinner, no card.
My dear friend will probably be aghast when I tell her (and she will chide me for not being romantic enough 🤣).
(ChatGPT Generated Image)
Nonetheless, her beautiful gesture of texting us also points to an underlying wider societal expectation, that wedding and other anniversaries are to be celebrated.
It’s beautiful to celebrate anniversaries; however, my husband and I later mused that this particular wedding anniversary didn’t matter to us.
For starters, if we had to pick a day of significance to us both, we would have picked the day that we first got together. In the grand scheme of our relationship’s timeline, the start date of our LDR is a more precious reminder that we made it this far.
Second, even if this particular wedding anniversary was a day of significance to us, the act of forgetting wouldn’t turn our relationship sour immediately. According to the Gottman and Levenson’s research (1970), the magic ratio of a happy and stable relationship is 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one. Almost embarrassingly, I have forgotten my husband’s birthday and our dating anniversary before - not because I don’t care, but life gets busy. And, in the grand scheme of things, forgetting an anniversary is a teeny tiny blip of all the positive interactions we typically have.
Professor Gaub, in her research, put it eloquently:
“Valentine’s Day [or any other anniversary] is probably best seen as one day in 365 rather than a meaningful event in the relationship. Couples should perhaps see it as a launchpad; the start of a commitment to the relationship and daily gestures that show how much it means.”
So what does this mean for couples (especially those in an LDR)?
Ask yourselves: what are we celebrating?
Is this date meaningful to both parties? Do we need to celebrate all milestones e.g., dating anniversary, wedding anniversary, Valentines’ etc.? And why is this celebration important to each partner?
The principle of celebrating a mutually-agreed meaningful date cannot be emphasised enough. I know of couples when one party is very unhappy with her partner as he didn’t see the point of celebrating Valentines’ as well as their dating anniversary (and it didn’t help that their friends posted the flowers they received from their partners on Instagram).
For my husband and I, as we equally couldn’t care less for any other date beyond our dating anniversary, we simply giggled over the fact that my friend remembered whereas we didn’t.
Principle: You should ideally match your partner’s expectations.
Can I get away with not celebrating?
A man doesn’t want to celebrate Valentine’s. I forget a birthday.
Both are not great situations.
However, if the commitment to the relationship is there, shown in daily affirmations of “love you’s” and a thousand acts of little kindnesses - then, there is no real need to beat oneself up for forgetting, or for pushing too hard in celebrating something a partner doesn’t care much about.
Principle: Compromise and grace. It goes a long way.
Action items I would do this week: Before an important date rolls by, have a conversation with your partner and ask them what they’d like celebrated and why.
So ta for now. I’m off to uncover which other dates means a lot to my partner, and maybe pre-plan something that will make him feel extra loved!