A bid for emotional connection...

Or I'll bid you adieu

As I whipped my laptop open to write another Substack post, my husband wandered over from his work to see what I was up to, grinned at me exclaiming, “Yay, I’ll have something to read!”, then went back to his work.

The entirety of this interaction took less than 10 seconds.

But the act of wandering over was really cute and made me feel I matter.

As for my husband, he is always so chuffed when he makes me smile.

According to Dr John Gottman’s theory, couples who respond to each other’s bid for connection effectively create a deposit in the “Emotional Bank Account” - and the higher the deposits, the happier the couple in their relationship. He came up with this theory after observing couples in his lab; couples who remained married six years later responded to each other’s bids 86% of the time, whereas couples who divorced responded only 33% of the time.

To any outside observer, it may be unsurprising that my husband and I still bid and respond to each other most of the time as fairly recent newlyweds of little more than one year.

However, my personal view is that our bids for connection is a habit formed from being in an LDR for 11 years prior. We just shifted from a 10 second online medium to an in-person experience.

Let me explain.

When we dated, we actually didn’t have a lot of time together (even online!) Our schedules didn’t quite match, with him working longer hours and I working earlier hours in the day, so we had the opportunity to have a two-hour face-to-face session only once a week.

Any relationship can wilt with so little time spent together. Indeed, it might have, if not for the fact that throughout the week, my then boyfriend and I checked in regularly with each other through texts that take no longer than 10 seconds to send.

Woke up? Sent a “good morning”.

Middle of the day? Sent a “thinking of you.”

Bed time? Sent a “good night”.

And of course, dashing off a quick reply when we can, even as simple as a “love you”.

These check-ins have since translated to wandering around to look for each other in our little apartment when we’re both at home, for a micro-interaction in the form of a quick affirmative comment or a hug.

Gottman didn’t differentiate “bids”; it could be as explicit as saying, “I need to talk,” or as subtle as a glance, a smile, or a shared joke.

But, if I take his theory one step further, “bids” can be broken down to two categories. Requests for soul-searching conversations that one requires to deepen a relationship (“I need to talk”), or micro-interactions which are not the intense, but important all the same to sustain what you have.

What this means for a LDR

Quality time matters, but it’s not always possible in an LDR.

Building little habits that both can happily engage in to connect with each other is the next best thing. For the both of us, having 10 second check-ins throughout the day to supplement our overall communication helped to sustain the relationship.

Other LDR couples who I know that were successful had similar check-ins, but in the form of a 5 minute call during the day, or through writing long-form letters to each other weekly.

The key here is to decide on a supplementary check-in that works and makes both people in the relationship happy. I’m a terrible mind reader; if you’re like me, it could be worth just opening a conversation with your partner to see what check-ins you could both sustain and enjoy.

Key principle

Have a conversation with your partner on the expectations each of you have on check-ins throughout the week.

Think about the frequency you prefer (Thrice daily? Daily?), your expected response time (you’d expect a response after the work day ends or throughout the working day?) and what makes you feel loved and reassured (a greeting and a cute emoji does it for me!)

Also think about whether these are sustainable check-ins that align with the other necessary facets of your life (such as working hours and timezones).

The hope is it’ll soon become a self-sustaining habit that you both really enjoy, and use to remind each other how much you love them.